“Cheese“

Dear Friend,

News and social media spread obscene shopping stories like a virus. Hoarders, toilet paper shortages, and fights in the aisle for the last can of discount tuna. I never really understood the toilet paper issue. I lived in South Asia for a good period of time, making me as comfortable using my hand as I am with Charmin. Even with all the madness, the media is ignoring the true shopping obscenity. The marked absence of imported cheese.

My cheese cellar is in desperate want of replenishment. Scoff if you will. Snobbish? Maybe. But there is a particular French Triple Crème and Roquefort that I consider to be the very base of the needs hierarchy. Cheese is life.

But I beg, think not just of me in this difficult time. My misfortune is shared. I fear for Bob – professional cheesemonger, true turophile, and dear friend (on the select weekends I visit his establishment). He is experiencing unfathomable trials. He now must stand at a depleted cheese counter shilling leftover plastic cheese food. Worse still, he might not stand much longer. He is ancient, and undoubtedly suffers from the high cholesterol frequently associated with his line of work. An unfortunate combination in the face of this pandemic.

Regrettably eating my cheese grilled with wheat rather than spread over a baguette.

J.S. Alvin

P.S. Did you know that HIV can be passed through breast milk? That’s why you can never get cheese made with mother’s milk. One could never be sure it wasn’t cave-ripened AIDS cheese.